The rules of Scratch Ticket Radio are simple. During a trip to a record store, I put aside $10 to specifically spend on a few used 45s. The $10 limit is firm, so I end up with different amounts of records depending on their prices. Consistent with the gambling analogy, I do not listen to them in the store before I buy them, and I cannot select 45s by artists that I already know or that contain songs that I am already familiar with. Then, once I have them home, as if taking a quarter to a scratch ticket, I listen to each song to determine its quality. If I come out with more keepers than duds, the ticket as a whole can be considered a winner.

A Christmas Miracle

 April 2025

This Edition: I’m Gifted a Mystery Box

My brother-in-law Michael H— , a staunch supporter of my various attempts at creativity, gave me the greatest possible Scratch Ticket Radio related present for Christmas. He was at an estate sale in upstate New York, and there was a humble cardboard box with these words written on it – 45’s Take all for $10. He immediately knew what he had to do. Without flipping through the records to see what was there, he bought the box, brought it home and put it under the tree. Who cares about some dumb pony or a Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock, I got to do some micro-crate digging right in my lap. Merry Christmas to all, indeed! Since there were many more singles than I usually get for $10, it took me a while to listen to them all. I figured that this was a case of someone finally getting rid of whatever records they still had laying around, so I was intrigued. What had they been hanging onto for all this time? What might that indicate about their taste in music? How close is it to my own? I decided to treat this like we were at a speed dating event, but for music fans looking for new buddies. 

= “Hey, I like this record, too! Maybe we should hang?”                              

= “You seem like a nice person, but maybe we don’t have much in common.”

**********

The Animals: The House of the Rising Sun / Talkin’ ‘Bout You

I generally don’t like the British bands that covered blues songs (The Stones, The Yardbirds, etc.), but I have always liked this version. I think it is Burden’s performance. The B-Side, by contrast, is a drag. It is a poor copy of R&B that is basically a lesser version of Shout. 

Danny Apolinar – The Flowers/The Middle Years

I had no idea who Mr. Apolinar was, but he was a cabaret pianist that appeared to gig pretty steadily around the world. He also co-wrote (with Hal Hester) the music and lyrics for Your Own Thing, based loosely on Twelfth Night. By some accounts, this was the first rock musical. Both of these songs are from that production. I don’t like musicals, so I was never going to like them. 

The Association – Never My Love / Requiem for the Masses

Never My Love was the second most played song on TV and radio in the US in the 20th century. It is an OK tune, but that is wild. The chorus is really boring, but the keyboard on the slowly developing verses is nicely moody. I would really like to hear a version of this song by The Caretaker or DJ Screw. The B Side is quite terrible. 

James Brown – I Got You (I Feel Good) / I Can’t Help It (I Just Do-Do-Do)

Of course, you know the song, but did you know that he performed it in a 1965 Frankie Avalon musical called Ski Party? Check out that sweater! The B-Side is a bit of a filler, but no mind. 

Glen Campbell – By the Time I Get to Phoenix/ You’ve Still Got a Place in My Heart

The lyrics create the scene and characters with the efficiency of the best of country music, but the music just kind of sits there. When I hear this, I just think about how much I’d rather be listening to Campbell’s Wichita Lineman. And if you haven’t heard it before, check out Isaac Hayes’ 19 minute (!) reworking of By the Time I Get to Phoenix. The B-Side here is even more mild-mannered than the A-Side. 

The Carpenters – Goodbye to Love / Crystal Lullaby

Holy cow – this is might be simultaneously the most intimate and coldest piece of marginalia I have seen. I don’t even want to imagine the scenario in which this message was delivered. I hadn’t heard this song in a long, long time and listening now I realize how proto-goth it is (except for that crappy rock guitar solo). As for the B-Side, Richard’s voice is never welcome. Still, I’m going to hang onto it for the marginalia, and maybe the previous owner held onto it for the same reason. For that possibility, I have to give it a green square. 

Bobby Darin – If I Were a Carpenter / Rainin’

The opening couplet immediately reminded me why I hate this song: “If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady, would marry me anyway, would you have my baby?”  I can’t stand when singers refer to their lady, and even worse, when they refer to a woman having their baby. However, if he was a Carpenter, maybe their vibe wouldn’t have been so odd. The B-Side is inoffensive. 

The Doors – Touch Me / Wild Child

I remember a friend in high school telling me that he couldn’t understand why I didn’t like The Doors. After all, I was a poet, and Morrison was a poet, so it would seem natural that I would like them. Um, sure – that’s impeccable logic. Touch Me is probably the only song of theirs that I don’t think totally sucks, but that is only for about 15 seconds or so. On the other hand, this Kids in the Hall sketch about Doors fans is funny. 

Duke Ellington – Prelude to a Kiss / B Sharp Blues / Passion Flower / Janet

Ellington is one of those artists that I appreciate rather than actively enjoy. The 45 has four songs selected from an LP titled The Duke Plays Ellington, where he is at the piano by himself. I don’t know enough to hear any of the fancy things he is doing here that I have read about, so to my ears the performances are pleasant but they don’t move me. I mean, they’re not bad like the Doors, but they aren’t something I will be rushing to put back on the turntable. 

The Hombres – Let It All Hang Out / Go Girl Go

The band had previously worked with Mad Magazine to release a single under the Alfred E. Neuman name, called It’s A Gas. The vocals on that song consist entirely of somebody burping in a variety of ways, but I’m more fascinated by the fact that it was pressed on cardboard and attached to the back of the magazine. Nothing as interesting here. The A-Side is supposedly a parody of Subterranean Homesick Blues, but it’s not funny. I guess the B-Side is also supposed to be goof on the Beach Boys or something. I think was dated before it was even released. 

Jay and the Techniques – Apples, Peaches, Pumpkin Pie / Stronger Than Dirt

An ear-worm in the worst sense of the word. And I have never said that anything is stronger than dirt. Is that a regionalism? 

Gladys Knight and The Pips – I Heard It Through the Grapevine / It’s Time to Go Now

I don’t think anything can hold a candle to the Marvin Gaye original, and they took this up-tempo version in an entirely different direction. That was a wise choice. Creedence’s cover featuring Fogerty’s southern blaccent was not. I had not heard the B-Side, but I dig it. 

The Ramsey Lewis Trio – The “In” Crowd / Since I Fell For You

These two tracks were drawn from a live LP. The A-Side is the kind of lightly-swinging polite jazz that I imagine being accompanied by a cocktail or two. Not my bag. The B-side is the downtempo variation of the same. My dad once told me The “In” Crowd was about a garbageman. I believe that is the only time in my life that he has given me his interpretation of a song. It is an interesting take, and I can see it since the song is clearly self-deprecating.

Liberace – Tchaikovsky’s Piano Concerto / I Don’t Care / Jalousie / September Song

People today are often incredulous when they hear that folks back in the day didn’t know that Liberace was gay. However, the latter-day Liberace of flowing fur robes and sequins on every square inch of the stage was not how he began. This cover is quite staid and draws on common markers of refined heterosexual romance and elegance. As for the tunes themselves? Surprisingly low-energy. 

The Lovin’ Spoonful – Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind? / Didn’t Want to Have to Do It

I had not heard this song for a very, very long time and I hadn’t remembered that somehow it is even creepier than I’m a Girl Watcher. The B-Side is booooooring.   

Lulu – To Sir, With Love / The Boat That I Row

The production is nice and usually sucks me in at the beginning. I think, “Oh, yeah, I haven’t heard this for a while. I like this song.” Then it keeps going, and I remember that I find it kind of boring. Somehow this happens nearly every time I hear it. Unfortunately, this is not the only song where I experience this. You? As for the B-Side? I forgot it right after I heard it. 

Ohio Express – Soul Struttin’ / Try It

Well, apparently there is some debate as to whether or not Ohio Express can be considered an actual band, as the records released under the name shifted musicians from record to record. It seems like it was a label that a pair of producers put on their work, regardless of the genre. I guess we can lay the blame for this weak-ass James Brown worship at their feet. They also gave us the indescribably atrocious Yummy Yummy Yummy, so the Ohio Express name can function as a red flag. I’m not even sure what Try It is supposed to be? Steppenwolf? 

Nick Palmer – When Will I Learn! / Look at Him

When Will I Learn! was apparently designed to be the showstopper in Act II of From the Education of H*Y*M*A*N K*A*P*L*A*N. After bombing in Philadelphia, it was still brought to Broadway in April 1968, where it ran for less than a month and lost more than $500,000 (in1968 dollars). During intermission on opening night, the audience learned that Martin Luther King Jr. had been assassinated and everybody took off to get home safely. The producers felt that this was the reason the show failed. Critics disagreed. Look at Him is from the LP Nick Palmer Turns It On. I’m not sure the words “Nick Palmer” and “turn-on” have ever been used together outside of the record company’s marketing meeting. 

The Parliaments – (I Wanna) Testify / I Can Feel The Ice Melting

Because of George Clinton’s presence, I was kind of surprised by the rock-adjacent vibe of (I Wanna) Testify. There’s a bit of funk in here, for sure, but there is also a bit of guitar melancholy mixed in with the old-school R&B. When it was redone by P Funk, the funk takes over (not surprisingly). The B-Side is so syrupy that it sounds like a sunshine pop number. Even the Brides of Funkenstein couldn’t funk it up, and they were not happy they had to record it. 

Wilson Pickett – Land of 1,000 Dances / You’re So Fine

This song is ubiquitous, but I guess I never spent any time thinking about how dull it is. It’s a bit of a paradox. How can a song that is so full of energy just kind of sit there? I didn’t know the B-Side, but that’s kinda boring, too. Lotsa smoke, but no fire. 

The Raiders – Indian Reservation (The Lament of the Cherokee Reservation Indian) / Terry’s Tune

I remember thinking this was a profound tune when I was in elementary school because of the topic. Now I can’t get past the absurdly dramatic production and the lyrics. The original was written by a white guy with clearly no sense of history or shame (“and though I wear a white man’s tie / I’ll be a red man ’til I die”). Yikes. The B-Side sounds like the soundtrack to an early 70s porno where not much is happening.

Johnny Rivers – Poor Side of Town / A Man Can Cry

So corny it seems like a gag, especially the backing vocals and strings. Austin Powers would love this song. The B Side is somehow an even worse admixture of faux soul and country.  

Nancy Sinatra – You Only Live Twice / Jackson (with Lee Hazelwood)

I’m not a Bond fan, so I only watched those films when I was a kid to pass the time. I have no real memory of You Only Twice, and the song is drab. Their version of Jackson was a hit, so I’m not actually sure which of these is the A Side. I first heard Hem’s version and had no idea it was a cover of a country song that many other people had recorded (e.g., Johnny and June Carter Cash, Flat and Scruggs, etc.). Some people might object to Hem’s cover as being too drawing room NPR-friendly Americana, but I still prefer it to Sinatra and Hazelwood’s. I just don’t buy Nany Sinatra as a just-folks gal telling off her no-good man. 

Soul Survivors – Expressway to Your Heart / “Hey Gyp”

The verse is funky enough, but the best part of this song is the bridge, hands down. The chorus is actually the least interesting section. I have known this song since forever, but I wasn’t aware that it was the first hit produced by Gamble and Huff. The B-Side is a cover of a Donovan tune, and they really shouldn’t have bothered. 

Booker T. and the MG’s – Green Onions / Behave Yourself

Of course, you know the song, but did you know that they performed it in Koyaanisqatsi? At least I think they did, since it has been in just about every other movie and TV show. Behave Yourself is fine, but nothing to write home about. 

Mason Williams – Classical Gas /Long Time Blues

Remarkably, you could have a big hit with a song like this in the 70’s. I always liked when it came on the radio, so it is cool to have a copy of the single. The B-Side is not noteworthy, and seems like it is by another artist entirely. 

Tops Records – “Four Hits on Each Record ” (Various Artists)

This single indeed has four hit songs it, but they are all covers. Apparently, this was Tops Records’ whole deal. They put out cheapo records for sale at grocery stores and other unlikely locales, aimed casual music fans who wouldn’t know or care about the difference. I’m assuming that the Toppers who appear on three of the tracks were a house backing group. The label’s search for a quick buck also led them to producing exotica and If The Bomb Falls – a record providing advice for surviving nuclear war. Somehow, Tops was also the home for two records by jazz musician Billy Tipton, who was born female but presented as male for their entire career and to their family. There is a documentary about Tipton called No Ordinary Man that I found to be sympathetic, rather than voyeuristic. 

* Scat Man Crothers – Blueberry Hill

I only knew him as an actor (Chico and the Man, The Shining, Hong Kong Phooey, etc.), so I never thought about his first name. He doesn’t really scat in this, and I wish he would have because it could sure use something. Not as bad as Richie Cunningham, but still. 

* Johnny James and the Toppers – It Isn’t Right

I didn’t recognize the song. It doesn’t look like there are any other records by this group. Not a surprise.

* Ken Williams and the Toppers – Green Door

I knew the original from oldies radio (I guess?), but have no idea why it was a hit. 

* Dave Burgess and the Toppers – Love Me Tender

I don’t like the original, so I don’t really care how bad this version is. And it is bad. 

Hawaii Calls: Favorite Instrumentals of the Islands

In every Goodwill, church donation shop and record store in the country there are dozens of Hawaiian music records from the 1950’s. I can’t even imagine how many were made, or anybody wanting to listen to them today. It might be the worst ratio of this kind in music history. Here we get My Little Grass Shack, Sweet Leilani, My Isle of Golden Dreams and Song of the Islands performed by Al Kealoha Perry. Blecch. 

Merry Christmas from Your RCA Victor Record Dealer

I probably like Christmas music more than the average agnostic, so I will be hanging onto this. Granted, the Como track is dreary, the Ames Brothers cut is campy, and the orchestra’s performance sounds like Michael Bay filming the end of the world inside Macy’s. However, Belafonte has a nice voice and was always on the right side of whatever fight was taking place. Plus, if Al down at the hi-fi store gave me this as a gift it would kind of rude to just toss it aside. What he and his wife come by sometime for fondue and he doesn’t see it in my collection? That would be awkward. 

* Perry Como – God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

* The Ames Brothers – Good King Wenceslas

* Harry Belafonte – Silent Night

* The Radio City Music Hall Symphony Orch. & Chorus – Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, Adeste Fideles

This also brings to mind my mother’s favorite SNL sketch of all time. The members of St. Mickey’s Knights of Columbus are at their annual Christmas event, and the only person who can remember the lyrics to the carols is the basketball coach from Temple Beth El (played by Elliott Gould). The whole bit is long, so here is the relevant part if you want to check it out.  

Mallardtone – Game Calls

This is an instructional record put out by Mallardtone to teach people how to use their animal calls. Side A is the Canadian Goose call. The narrator explains that the call produces two notes, which can be shaped to “to fit the situation.” He then invites in a master caller named Bill to riff like some post-bop jazz musician in order to bring the geese to their doom. Side B is a deer call. It is disturbing, because this call sounds like a human baby crying. However, it is all for a good cause, as the narrator explains, “Outsmarting your prey, not just putting an arrow or bullet in it, is the real reward.”

Calling Fox, Wolves & Cats With The Weems Wild Call

This was put out to teach people how to use the Weems Wild Call. The crying baby deer call was off-putting, but I was not prepared for this. To attract prey, the Weems Wild Call makes a sound like a wounded rabbit. This is waaaaay worse than the deer call.  After making the basic call repeatedly, the narrator then demonstrates how the call can replicate what wounded rabbits of different ages would sound like. This is seriously one of the most fucked up things I have ever heard, but I’m not getting rid of it. However, I’m not sure I can ethically share a recording of it. These sounds are sure to show up in a nightmare.  

Shortly after listening to this, my older child spotted an animal laying in the grass in the backyard. After a few minutes, we determined that it was a rabbit that was barely moving. It was daytime, so it would have been an odd place and time for them to sleep. We thought that it might have been dying, and wished it well. Sometime later, we noticed that it was gone. Perhaps it was a just a strange coincidence. Or maybe those horrific rabbit calls manifested an actual wounded rabbit. Or maybe that rabbit was coming to the rescue of the rabbit they heard crying out in pain. They could have been remaining motionless in order to avoid detection while scanning the area for their comrade-in-need, and when they couldn’t find them, they left. I think I’m going to go with the second option. 

Etc.

The rest of the box mostly consisted of flexi-discs from Time Magazine, purporting to contain selections from the greatest hits of all time. There were a few envelopes to contain them, so I believe somebody must have subscribed to some kind of service at some point. There were also a few discs from the Longines Symphonette Society that were similar in nature. I knew the name from They Might Be Giant’s Birdhouse in Your Soul (“My story’s infinite, like a Longines Symphonette”) but I never understood the reference. Now I do.

Final Tally 

That ratio works for me to hang, but I’m thinking my imaginary interlocutor might have been the one to walk away, looking for a less opinionated pal. Oh, well, it wouldn’t be the first time.